I’ve been living and traveling throughout Europe for about 6 months now, and there are still some things I just can’t get jiggy with.
1. The Metric System
I know all but three countries in the entire world use the metric system, but I’ve never had to use it until I moved to Europe. I just can’t wrap my head around it. Centimeters, celsius, kilometers, mililiters…I figuratively and literally cannot. When I check the weather and it says 30º (C), I instinctively expect it to be cold outside. Instead, it’s the equivalent to 86º (F). How, Jesus? Why would you allow this madness?
I’m usually not so bad when it comes to math, but I like clean and easy conversions. One centimer is .39 inches. One mile is 1.60934 kilometers. I have no capacity for fractions that aren’t a tenth, quarter, or half.
I actually don’t have anything against mayonnaise. I put it on my sandwiches…it’s crucial in my chicken salad…I might even put some on my burger if I’m feeling extra. But the word extra is key here. Mayonnaise should only be a complementary flavor. Having it as a main condiment is and always will be weird. It’s like dipping your french fries in butter and eggs. Europeans, you don’t have to live like this. I offer you Hidden Valley Ranch in exchange.
3. Leashless Dogs
Imagine walking down the street on your way to work and seeing huge Rottweiler standing on the corner. Imagine being on your daily run through the neighborhood and having a little Bulldog decide to join you. Imagine sitting in the park minding your business and having a German Shephard charge full speed your way. Where TF are the owners, you ask? About 50 feet behind them, with no leash in sight. At least 80% of dogs I see on a daily basis are not kept on a leash. Granted, they’re extremely well behaved, but I still don’t like it. I will never not be afraid at first glance of a lose dog.
The first time I went grocery shopping in Spain, I spent 10 minutes looking for the milk. I checked every refrigerated aisle, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I turned down an aisle of coffee, granola, and oatmeal, and much to my surprise, I see milk. Warm, unrefrigerated, BOXES OF MILK. Y’all. Of all the cant’s I cannot, this has got to be the cantest. WHY THE HELL IS THE MILK NOT REFRIGERATED? WHO RAISED Y’ALL?
4. No Household Dryers
Yes, the asthetic of clotheslines across patios is adorable, but damnit I miss the feeling pulling warm clothes out of the dryer. I’ve airbnb’ed in countries all over the continent and only ONE of SEVEN places had a damn dryer in the house. You know how long clothes take to dry outside in the winter? Forever. That’s how long.
It’s the little things, y’all.
In many European countries, public restrooms aren’t free. Have to pee while you’re shopping? Well you better pay up. Yes, even if you’re already buying something in the establishment. I’ve seen charges anywhere between 30-75 cents. I know it’s not high, but it’s the principle of it. I mean, damn what if I don’t have any cash on me at the moment? I’m literally too poor to have access to a toilet?
As we Americans say, “that’s fucked up, bro”.