You guys, Donald Trump is having a rally in Chicago tonight.
But instead of getting heavily depressed or maniacally angry about how serious America has taken a such a selfish, ignorant, racist, bigoted, fascist, DIPSHIT…I’ve decided to make light of the situation by compiling my list of escape routes in case, somehow, God forsakes us all and he does win.
1 – Madrid, Spain
Duh! I’m planning on moving to Spain to teach English later this year! It’s #1 on my travel bucket list, and I could learn lots of fun curse words to use when I’m talking to my native friends about how terrible that American president is.
Spanish friend: “No puedo creer que Trump dijo todos los mexicanos son violadores y todos los negros deben regresar a África!”
Me: “Pues, No esperes que un gilipollas diga algo inteligente”
2 – Mexico City, Mexico
Would I enjoy life in Mexico City? Let’s see, there’s the Psychology program at UNAM, food, art, dance, language, food, music, literature, food, film, landscape, climate, food, low cost of living, food, and basically 0% chance of running into Mr. Trump. I think I’d manage.
3 – Lagos, Nigeria
My Nigerian friend adopted me as a Naija long ago. She told me I’m Igbo – from Lagos State, and I’ve pretty much held on to the idea ever since. So let’s see, I could A) have Trump as my president or B) finally visit Africa, enjoy a year-round tropical climate, be surrounded by water, and have access to all the Ankara fabrics and goat pepper soup my little heart can stand. I’ll take Lagos for 500, Alex.
4 – Denpasar, Bali
Officially #2 on my travel bucket list, I would gladly relocate to this island if Donald Trump DIDN’T win president. The minute I saw pictures of the lush greenery, flowing waters, and gorgeous temples of Bali, I knew I had fallen in love with the place before I even visited. Don’t believe the hype? Check out one of my favorite expat’s IG, Vagabond Jazz.
5 – Paris, France
Okay, I’d totally need to brush up on my French in Duolingo, but I could see myself living happily in Paris. I hear the food is pretty meh if you like bold flavors, but what the country lacks in seasonings and spices, it makes up for in distance from Mr. Trump.
6 – Lisbon, Portugal
I don’t speak a lick of Portuguese, but I’ve read more than enough blogs and watched way too many hours of YouTube videos to know that Lisbon is my kind of city. History, art, culture, good food, warm people, and the highest/most consistent amount of sunshine than any other European country? I’ll take it. Plus, Portugal just got a new president, Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa, who happens to not be Donald Trump.
Where will you move if Donald Trump becomes president?