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Okay, first get your name calling out the way. No really, I deserve it. Do your worst.

Done? Okay, cool. Moving along.

I spent my winter holidays backpacking with friends across EuropeFor New Year’s Eve the stop was Amsterdam, which meant visiting plenty of Coffeeshops. In case you don’t know, “Coffeeshops” are marijuana vendors.  Shops or lounges can sell grams, joints, or even edibles. The atmosphere is like that of your average dive bar, except it’s also a giant hotbox.

On my last night in the city, I got myself a joint to take back to my hotel. It was New Year’s Eve and you know what they say, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”. I took a few quick pulls on our hotel balcony, and put the rest in my bag before leaving to see the Utrecht fireworks. It was hours later when we finally got back to the hotel, so all I could think about was going to sleep. When I woke up the next day and boarded my bus for Germany, I didn’t even remember I had marijuana in my purse.

***

So let’s fast forward to about three days later. My friends are I are packing and chatting with a German girl in our hostel. We leave for Italy early the next morning.

Me: “Ah crap, we leave tomorrow and I still have this weed! I really don’t want to waste it. I should take it with me.”

Friends: “Really, Lauren? How are you going to do that?”

Me: “Well, the airport security has been super chill, right? The last one we went through only had those basic ass 1999 metal detectors. If I put the joint in my bra nobody will see it, and it’s not metal so it won’t set off any alarms!”

German Girl: “Wait. You’re going to try to take marijuana through the airport???”

Me: “Yes. Why? I mean like…should I not?”

German Girl: “NOOO! NO! N-O! Please don’t do that! OMG are you freaking crazy?!”

Me: “Awwww do you think airport security will be too strict?”

German Girl: “Yes, it definitely is! This is Germany, period! You aren’t even supposed to have marijuana in your possession!”

Me: “Oh.”

Obviously, I was way too relaxed after leaving a liberal city like Amsterdam. Luckily, the girl scared some good sense back into me, so I made some changes to my smuggling plans. I set my alarm 15 minutes early the next morning, to make time for a little wake and bake. I decided that whatever I didn’t finish would just go into the trash instead of on the plane with me. I patted myself on the back for being a noble and law-abiding citizen.

Well the next morning when it was time to go, I still had a little more than half a joint left. Blame it on the high, but I changed my mind again. I wanted to smuggle that weed with me. I put the joint in my back pocket, and got on the train headed to the airport. I was feeling pretty good about my plan until the moment I finally stepped on the platform. There were policemen and K-9s standing around everywhere. My confidence sunk like a brick in the ocean. Discreetly, I took the joint out of my pocket and threw it into a nearby trash can. It was sad to give up on my drug mule dreams, but I was convinced that I’d rather be safe than sorry.

***

Fortunately, I had ensured just that. German TSA was NO. FREAKING. JOKE. No simple, outdated equipment here, they had those new full body scanners. I stepped into it and breathed a sigh of relief, glad I decided to toss my little contraband. When I walked out of the machine and went to grab my bags, a TSA agent demanded that I stand to the side.

Oh shit, what now? Can they still smell it on me?

The agent did a full body pat down, and I mean FULL. She patted my pockets, cupped my breasts, poked my armpits, even jiggled waistband of my pants. She literally finished on her knees caressing my ankles.

Okay, nothing was found. I should be fine now. 

“Can you go sit in that section over there”? I was led to a tiny cubicle a few steps away.

Oh my God what the hell is happening?

She came back with small white pads. “Open your hands for me please, palms up”. She wiped down every inch of my fingers and walked away.

Oh my God, they’re going to find traces of marijuana. What type of CSI: Miami shit is this? Why the hell didn’t I wash my hands after smoking?!? Ohmygodohmygod, I’m gonna go to German jail! 

She came back. “Can you take off your shoes and socks, please?” She disappeared from the cubicle again.

Well, this is it. They’re probably bringing me my prison outfit now. Goodbye sweet freedom. It was nice to know you. #WarOnDrugs #FreeMe #LegalizeIt

She came back, let me put my shoes back on. Then she stared uncomfortably at my turban headwrap.

My God, I have six dookie braids under this scarf. I’m gonna have to tell them this thing is religious.

“Do you mind if I…pat your umm…head?” She poked vigorously at the fabric and frowned as she fingered my fat braids.

*Akon “Locked Up” plays in my head*

She stares at me for a while, then takes a big sigh. “Okay, that’s all. You can go ahead and get your bags”

I just about orgasmed with relief. I had never been so worried in my life. So kids, I guess the moral of this story is don’t fuck around with German TSA. Oh, and also marijuana is pretty cool, but it is NOT worth your freedom. Don’t try to take it out the country, guys.

 

Have you ever had a TSA scare?

 

 

 

 

Lauren Victoria

Lauren Victoria

Lauren is a Chicago native and budget traveler obsessed with foreign languages, neuropsychology, dancing, and applesauce. She recently quit her full-time job in social services to be a human English dictionary in Madrid, Spain.
Lauren Victoria
  • ATT

    LMAO! I loved this! I’ve had the same thought sooo many times while travelling to and in/around Europe but I always chickened out. Looks like Germany DOES NOT PLAY. Good to know.

    – Anayo | anayotothe.com

    • No they don’t! And from what I hear, neither does Asia! No more drug mule dreams for me lol.

  • Outdoorsy Diva

    Namesake!!! (I’m also a Lauren) This was hilarious but um no ma’am. It’s all fun and games until YOU GO TO FOREIGN JAIL. I’m glad you got cold feet and abandoned your plan. Sounds like you definitely had a fun trip. Lol

    • and I am WAY too tender for German jail, I wouldnt have made it!

  • I’m glad you decided to throw the j away. That would have been all bad.

  • renee

    Your blog is hilarious!

  • Looool girl those Germans do not play! Luck was on your side that day.

    • I know! Those days of bad decisions are behind me now lol